Then why did he marry?

It might sound like a fiction story yet it’s true!

I saw an old man who is around his 50s doing all the household chores whilst his wife was instructing him. I could feel for the old man. Early in the morning l saw him doing some washing, l mean a heap of clothes and his wife was cleaning. Honestly, to me this that’s another shift to abuse. He was washing his clothes, the wife’s clothes and the children’s clothes. Unfortunately, the best l could do was to watch as these events unfolded.

As if this was not enough, the next day l saw the old man around 6pm nursing a ten month old baby whilst cooking on fire as there was no electricity. This man is cooking on fire and the wife has just gone to visit a friend. On a daily basis the wife shouts the man, infact; she treats him like a baby. I am totally against this, usually in our society when a man is treated in this manner people always suspect something was done to him.

As Africans we grew up in a society where gender roles are defined to one right from childhood. We grew up knowing that laundry is for women not to say people should not help each other. For me a man can do all these duties when the woman is not around or sick.

This is not to say l have conformed to the patriarchal system but this is to women! Women should not take advantage of a man’s quiet nature and abuse them. There are some women who are dying for that man you are abusing. When God created women he said to Adam l will create for you a helper which means as a woman you play a role of helping a man. Instead of him doing the washing, help him and was, a ten month year old baby needs a mother, nurse the baby. Honestly it’s so painful to see a ten month old baby crying in the hands of his father and the father can’t even breastfeed the baby.

To women who are abusing their man, please STOP IT.

Reactions To Women Abusing Men In Public

The video below shows the reaction of people to domestic violence against men. For most people if a man is the victim he is deemed guilty yet it’s not always the case. From the first video, people did not protect the man who was being abused; their assumption was that he was guilt. Some women were saying maybe he had been caught cheating, but why not help the victim regardless of who is wrong and who is right. 

On the second video, it’s the woman who is abused in public and everyone is worried about it. Because everyone is worried the woman was protected from the man. Funny enough, the same woman who was protected from the abusive man is now seen abusing the man and no one seems to care.

My question is now in that why are women protected yet they can equally hurt men to an extent of killing them. I think the assumption is that when they abuse men they are justified to so because for most people, the man is always guilt in an argument. Also, l think people think the consequences of a woman abusing a man are not so serious and those of a man abusing a woman are serious.

Below are two videos on the reactions of people to women abusing men in public.

 

Women Not The Only Victims Of Domestic Violence

As have been highlighted before women aren't the only victims of domestic violence and as such today l would like us to discuss the signs of domestic violence against men.

Domestic violence against men can take many forms, including emotional, sexual and physical abuse and threats of abuse.  It might not be easy to recognize domestic violence against men. Early in the relationship, your partner might seem attentive, generous and protective in ways that later turn out to be controlling and frightening. Initially, the abuse might appear as isolated incidents. Usually, in men the domestic violence comes emotional whereas in women it is usually physical. Most women are too controlling to their men and excess of control is abuse. In Ndebele we usually call it ‘ubukhwele’. Most people view ubukhwele as being loved but l would like to call it abuse. How can it be termed as love when one is being deprived of their freedom? Your partner deserves freedom to be with other people. This is to women…..the fact that you are married to that man does not mean he can no longer meet or hang around with other people ie friends and relatives. Should he forsake other people because of you? Certainly not…….In as much as he loves you, his life is incomplete without friends and relatives and because of that give him time to be with other people.

Apart from being so much controlled being a form of abuse, below are other signs of domestic abuse against men:

• Calls you names, insults you or undermines you
• Prevents you from going to work or school
• Stops you from seeing family members or friends
• Acts jealous or possessive or constantly accuses you of being unfaithful
• Threatens you with violence or a weapon
• Forces you to have sex or engage in sexual acts against your will
• Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it

Below is a video on domestic violence against  men, it shows that men can also be victims of domestic violence. Men are shy to report cases of abuse, For years and years they have been silent victims and my advice to them is to speak out because domestic has got far reaching consequences such as death.

 Domestic violence against men isn't always easy to identify, but it can be a serious threat

Characteristics Of An abusive Relationship

This video has some tips on how you can notice you are in an abusive relationship. Once you notice these signs you have to come out of that relationship before you increase the statistics of domestic violence.

Domestic Violence Is Not Part Of The African Culture

Cultural and social norms are highly influential in shaping individual behaviour, including the use of violence. Norms can protect against violence, but they can also support and encourage the use of it. For instance, cultural acceptance of violence, either as a normal method of resolving conflict or as a usual part of rearing a child. Cultural beliefs are strongly linked to domestic violence. Most women have accepted abuse viewing it as something normal in the society.

In our society we have been taught that women have to submit to their husbands and in some instances this has been the driver of domestic violence. We have grown to know that the woman’s place is at home. Some women are still adhering to that norm which specifies the kitchen and the bedroom as the woman’s place where she will be taking care of children. That is basically what the culture of the olden days expected women to do. For some women being abused has become part of their lives, it has become normal….the elderly taught them that being beaten up is part of marriage.

I am not saying we should discard our culture but all l am saying is that domestic abuse is certainly not part of the African culture. Refuse to be abused all in the name of being cultural. Yes we should stick to our norms and values but refuse abuse. The African culture does not carry values of barbarianism. For those women who have been abused for years and years and accepted it as being part of marriage it is high time you begin to refuse being abused. I repeat, abuse is not part of the African culture.It is not and has never been an African value or part of our culture that wives should be beaten or battered. If there are problems within the home we need to go back to the extended family to take up the issues.

Men identified as the perpetrators of domestic violence

Domestic violence is in most cases violence perpetrated by men against women. Women can also be violent, but their actions account for a small percentage of domestic violence. I admit that there are some women who perpetrate domestic violence but l would like to believe that the man’s behavior drives the woman into becoming violent. What is a woman supposed to do when the father of the house is cheating thereby failing to give attention to his family? Mostly, it is because of the man’s unfaithfulness that the woman ends up getting violent.

However, apart from the above mentioned reason for domestic violence, sometimes violence against women is a manifestation of historically unequal power relations between men and women, which have led to domination over and discrimination against women by men and to the prevention of the full advancement of women. It is present in every country, cutting across boundaries of culture, class, education, income, ethnicity and age. Even though most societies proscribe violence against women, the reality is that violations against women’s human rights are often sanctioned under the garb of cultural practices and norms, or through misinterpretation of religious tenets.

 Women and children are often in great danger in the place where they should be safest within their families. For many, ‘home’ is where they face a regime of terror and violence at the hands of somebody close to them – somebody they should be able to trust. Those victimized suffer physically and psychologically. They are unable to make their own decisions, voice their own opinions or protect themselves and their children for fear of further repercussions. Their human rights are denied and their lives are stolen from them by the ever-present threat of violence.

Upon all the reasons that have been identified as the causes of domestic violence, l would like to believe men are the perpetrators of domestic violence. This post served to enlighten some women on why they are abused. Someone out there is asking themselves, why am l abused?Well, it might be because of cultural practices and that is to say the unequal power relations. That man thinks he is superior to you.